THE COVER STORY P. 01
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CREATOR OF DEVINE COLOR AND COLOR BAGGAGE
Color taught me
that knowing together, not better, changes how life feels overnight.
For over 30 years, I've had a 90-minute conversation with more than 4,000 people who thought they should know better because they couldn't pick a paint color. I helped them know what they need and trust themselves to confidently paint what they love, without blame or shame. It worked 99% of the time. Then I began to wonder if it would work without the bucket of paint. It did.
The Misery of Should-Know-Better Moments
Sound familiar?
VENTING REHASHING REPEATING RETREATING
THE LANGUAGE OF BLAME
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I would have never done that.
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I can’t imagine saying that.
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Who does that?
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Whatever, I don't care.
THE LANGUAGE OF SHAME
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They know better than that.
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I can’t believe they did that.
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Clearly everyone else knows.
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They don't care.
Do you have an SKBC?
When Should-Know-Better moments become unresolvable conflicts
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Have you been rehashing the same SKBC, with friends or in therapy, for years?
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Are you hoping in time it will pass, like bad gas, but it never goes away?
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Does the misery instantly change the best version of yourself into the worst?
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Are you afraid to lose your shit, or a relationship, if you tell them what they need to know better?
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What if you could relieve your misery as fast as a burp, and speak what they need to know?
This is what I know
The reason you can't tell them without blame or shame.
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When a baby has unmet needs, we respond to this alarm with care, because if we don't, they might die. This non-reciprocal care exchange is the reason we grow up expecting people to read our minds, care, and still be responsible for our upset feelings.
They Should-Know-Better.
When they don't, we believe they don't care, and become like a miserable baby whose body is riddled with a biological sense of misery based on unmet needs for trust and confidence that render us speechless. Unable to tell them what we feel or think for fear of losing an argument, our shit, or a relationship we care about.
So we vent, rehash, or retreat in the name of knowing better, or fearing we don't. We don't blame or shame babies when they believe people know better and care.
It's time we do the same for adults.
